Where There's A William

there's always aweigh

Archive for the month “March, 2008”

There’s a lot of that going around it seems

Kim’s post regarding health issues yesterday encourages me to expound briefly upon my own tale of woe.

In 2004 I decided to have the Lasik procedure done to my eyes. Part of that process is to have a mapping procedure performed to guide the surgeons efforts. I was actually surprised when the tech wasn’t able to get the job done because of the density of the cataracts in my eyes. So, there was my late spring and summer spent with my head in all sorts of contrivances to keep any sort of pressure from my post-op eye. Serially you understand, it being considered prudent to make sure the first effort hasn’t blown up before getting started on the other eye.

Anyway, that was ’04. The following year the retina in my right eye became partially detached. This resulted in another 10 weeks or so spent not earning money (or doing much of anything else) while things ocular settled into new alignment. Since the year was already a financial wash, and my navel was in serious danger of vanishing entirely, I went ahead and had an abdominal hernia repaired in the early fall.

Sneaking up on spring of 2006 you will no doubt be unsurprised to learn that my other eye’s retina started to detach. Some months later I was most pleased with a full recovery with no loss of acuity.

I almost made it through 2007 without further medical deterioration.

Given all of the fore-going, I decided a physical exam might be a good idea. Silly me … On the one hand, my having lost 65 pounds since last Thanksgiving was encouraging – although my 345 pound start point leaves me with at least as much more to lose. Still, not too bad. The patented “This won’t hurt me a bit” finger of thrills resulted in my being scheduled for a colonoscopy exam to take a thorough look at exactly what did crawl up my ass and die. Just what I need, a potential budding case of ass cancer.

In the mean time, just to keep me focused on the physiological conundrum that is my anatomical temple, my doctor wasted no time in informing me (Really! A 5am voicemail from your doctor will focus your attention quite marvelously.) that I also now have a case of type 2 diabetes to guide my latest lifestyle adjustment. If salt wasn’t bad for me now, I’d apply to be the new Morton Salt advertising spokesman.

You know, I have to say that this whole New Millenium/Leap into the 21st Century deal has been entirely too underwhelming in my experience so far. With my luck someone will invent a micro robot to crawl up my backside to turn the darkside towards the outside.

Or something equally singular.

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